Is my mother NPD?

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xenophon
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Is my mother NPD?

Post by xenophon » Fri Jul 10, 2009 6:01 am

I think my mother may be NPD, but am not sure & I'm probably too close to the situation to be very objective, so I'm hoping for another opinion.
I found a website with some N characteristics & have listed them below. The ones in bold definitely apply strongly to my mother. The ones in italics I have seen now and again in certain situations but they don't apply quite as strongly as the ones in bold. The rest either don't apply or I am not sure if they apply. For example I don't know if my mother hates to live alone, but I would guess she does since she has never lived alone.

contradictory

casual dishonesty and cruelty to other people

lack a mature conscience

envious and competitive

contemptuous

extremely sensitive to personal criticism and extremely critical of others

hostile and ferocious in reaction, but generally passive and lacking in initiative

naive and vulnerable

grandiose

odd religious ideas (i.e. if something bad happens to someone it's because God is punishing them)

little sense of humor

not aware that the passage of time changes things

totally and inflexibly authoritarian

strange work habits - make a great show of working hard when they don't actually do much at all

feel entitled

stingy, mean, frugal, niggardly to the point of eccentricity

unusual eating habits

very disappointing as gift-givers

very hard to have a simple, uncomplicated good time with

flirtatious, and seductive

appearances are all there is with narcissists

secretive or unusually reserved

don't recognize their own feelings as their own

have a negative, pessimistic, cynical, or gloomy outlook on life

impulsive - their behaviour seems oddly stupid

hate to live alone

My mother has hurt me so badly in the last year that I do not have contact any more (almost one year). However, the family backs her & seems to either think she is right & I am a liar or they just don't notice these things about her. I don't know. I feel like I'm the only one in the family who is sane & they treat me like I am the only one who is crazy. It was only this week after finding different articles about personality disorders when I was looking for estrangement support groups that it occured to me that she might be a narcissist. I didn't know enough about it before, what the characteristics were & as I said my family just acts as if everything is normal.

Please help!
And thanks so much for any help you can give!

Grizelda
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Re: Is my mother NPD?

Post by Grizelda » Sun Jul 12, 2009 2:00 pm

I wish I knew what to say to help you, but I don't. But figuring out that my mother had NPD has made a HUGE difference to me (in a good way.) I was searching the Internet to help me deal with my mother because I was appalled and concerned about the level of her hoarding - and lo and behold, I found the REAL issue - not just a completely disordered house but a completely disordered personality (she used bathtubs, microwaves, and kitchen sinks to permanently store flea market junk! - you couldn't even find a clean glass and get a drink of water in her house!) Well, I could go on and on, and I'm sure you could too.

I find "No Contact" to be difficult and stressful. But I found Contact to be even moreso, plus I was filled with rage and resentment all the time, which has abated. I don't think there's an easy solution for us! Though in my readings on the 'net, I've run into many people who've made peace with the situation and have made a great new life. Many of them seem to have also lost beloved relatives who sided with the N. :|

As Beth has told me - it's important to GIVE UP all hope that our mothers will change and love us and value us the way we deserve. I *think* I've done that - and yet I'm still all stirred up about the situation - guilt or anger - mostly guilt now because I've been NC since Feb - so maybe I haven't really given up hope. I'm trying! And I keep reminding myself of all the ghastly things she's done and said to me because I know that now that I've stood up to her and criticized her tantrum throwing - that she would treat me more horribly than she ever did before, if I went back.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU - if you're like me, continuing to read blogs and message boards helps enormously (the "Psychopath and Narcissist Survivors Support Group" message board (link below) - Anna Valerious' "Narcissists Suck" - Joanna Ashmun's blog - I'm sure I'm leaving some good sites out.) Several books have helped me a lot - let me know if you're interested in a list. I think Beth is writing one - I can't wait!

http://thepsychopath.freeforums.org/adu ... s-f28.html

xenophon
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Re: Is my mother NPD?

Post by xenophon » Sun Jul 12, 2009 4:27 pm

Thanks for your reply Grizelda, it defs helped.

My mother does that too - the hoarding. So many coffee mugs she has run out of cupboard space yet won't get rid of them. Can't throw anything away. She has kept coupons that expired in the 80s for products that aren't even being made anymore. An entire sewing room filled with bolts and bolts of fabric - most of which were acquired over 20 years ago & have never been touched.
The level of hypocrisy has been the worst for me tho - I can remember her coming home from shopping late at night when we were kids & we would always ask what she had bought. Most often she told us that she was "leaving it in the car". She would bring it in the next day when Dad was out working & hide it. To this day she still does that, yet when he spends money on something, she will tell everyone who will listen how he needs to get his spending under control because he is "putting us in the poorhouse & I have to keep paying all his bills".

Years ago she was crying the blues to me about this very subject & I called her on it. Told her that it would have been easiest to take care of that situation when they were first married. Tell him how she felt about it & put her foot down if she had to. And that it wasn't too late to do that now. Of course she didn't want a solution - she wanted a shoulder to cry on. She just continued to play the victim, eventually changed the subject & never brought it up with me again.

The last straw when I went NC was that she put my daughter (just turned 18 at the time) at huge risk & refused to admit it.

Finding the symptoms that point to her possibly being NPD has made me feel better - if I knew for sure it would help a great deal too. I realized over 10 years ago that there was nothing I was ever going to be able to do that was ever going to make my mother happy, so I stopped trying. It's not really her opinion/feelings/approval I'm worried about. It's the fact that she has got a lot of the family believing things about me that aren't true. I've tried to talk to a couple of them but they both just defended her regardless of facts & basically told me that I was wrong. So I've pretty much stopped trying to approach any more family members. None of them have come to me - & asked for my side of the story. I just can't understand them not being able to see that something is wrong.

Beth McHugh
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Re: Is my mother NPD?

Post by Beth McHugh » Fri Jul 17, 2009 11:34 am

Hi Xenophon, if it would ease your mind you can have a diagnosis by proxy of your mother where I would ask you a series of questions related to NPD as well as other disorders to see if she actually can be classified as being narcissistic. Knowing one way or the other not only determines how you would interact with your mother in the future, but give you the peace of mine knowing whether or not you are actually dealing with this problem. Not everyone who seems selfish is a narcissist. On the other hand, discovering your mother is a genuine narcissist can start you on a path to freedom.Having a road map on how to deal with this situation may be helpful to you. Best wishes, Beth
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xenophon
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Re: Is my mother NPD?

Post by xenophon » Thu Jul 30, 2009 6:33 am

Hi Beth
Thanks for the offer! Do you ask the questions thru email? (this would be best for me as I am hard of hearing). Also, how much does something like this cost?
I have to agree, just knowing one way or another would give me somewhere to start in dealing with all this.

Again, thanks so much for the offer!

Beth McHugh
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Re: Is my mother NPD?

Post by Beth McHugh » Tue Aug 18, 2009 11:20 am

Hi Xenophon,
To determine whether your mother truly has NPD or not, I would need to give you a questionnaire which covers both NPD and other disorders which can mimic NPD. Your mother would have to satisfy a specific number of criteria to be formally classified as suffering from NP. If you would like to go ahead with this, simply go back to the main page and click on Services.

Best wishes, Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

robertsamual
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Re: Is my mother NPD?

Post by robertsamual » Mon Nov 08, 2010 9:51 pm

I don't know much about NPD but I can tell you confidently that any kind of mental disorder can be treated only with the help of a good psychologist, love and some quite chat. I mean, if you see your mother being cruel or being obsessed for anything, the only way to handle her is showing some quite behavior and love. In old ages its obvious that you are stuck with something which you love. So, you can't be sure about NPD.

Beth McHugh
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Re: Is my mother NPD?

Post by Beth McHugh » Tue Nov 09, 2010 9:09 am

Hi Robert,
I certainly agree that finding a psychologist who understands the mechanisms of how NPD works is almost vital in many cases since the damage done by a narcissitic parent is very deep as the child knows no life other than the way it has been treated by the narcissitic parent. I'm afraid love alone won't fix NPD but it certainly will assist the abused adult child of the NPD parent. That, setting clear boundaries, and having a firm idea of what the disorder is all about and what drives the disorder are essential to the recovery of the adult child in pain.

Best,

Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

Beth McHugh
Posts: 205
Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 9:47 am

Re: Is my mother NPD?

Post by Beth McHugh » Thu Dec 09, 2010 9:30 am

Calling Grizelda! Could you contact me at enquiries@youronlinecounselor.com

I have a favor to ask you concerning NPD.
Thanks!
Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

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