Your Online Counselor Forum

So, I'm glad I found this site because it's helpful/comforting to know that I'm not alone in my struggles. I am currently 48 and have only now begun to realize the metal illness that exists in my family. My father is a narcissist(I'm only coming to that realization now) and is 83 years old and is not handling it well. I'm at a point in my life where things are/were going well and my kids are going off to college and I just went back to school to finish a degree and have started working a new job. Sounds great right? We'll apparently my father has other ideas. As a narcissist he seems to think that all of my focus should be on him and his needs. Since I wasn't paying him enough attention and made the mistake of not catering to his needs he along with my 2 brothers just played an epic game on my psyche using their powers of guilt and manipulation to completely shake me. The only problem was I had no idea this is what was expected of me. I don't know what to do at this point. Have I just been discarded from this family dynamic or is this just their "wake up call"? This whole process has been completely eye opening for me on events from my past. I grew up from a young age in a house with a narcissitic father and 2 older brothers that followed his lead. I was their victim. The only thing was that we were never supposed to talk about it and were supposed to pretend that everything was fine, so I never really knew the full extent of the issues until now. As a result I'm even less prepared to deal with all of these revelations and really have no idea what to do at this point. I'm just grateful to have found this site which has enlightened me as to the forces that are at work in my life and what I did to upset them. Now what do I do?

Hi MSC,
Welcome to the forum and thanks for sharing your story.

If you click on the link at the top of the page you will be able to access many articles on the aging narcissist if you haven't already done so. Knowledge is power with this illness, and as a child of a potential narcissist, you will carry a swag of behaviors which are not helpful to you and also carry false beliefs about yourself which were planted in childhood and against which you had no "normal" template to measure them against.

Now, you've had your "wake up call" because you have decided to do something for yourself and, at the age your father is, this is definitely not allowed! Hence you will likely be finding yourself under a lot of pressure to conform, and if you do not do so, further pressure will be applied, you may be scapegoated, gaslighted as you say, and a host of other techniques to get you to toe the line. This can be very difficult to deal with, and the first thing you need is knowledge and to learn how to set boundaries. You may also have guilt to deal with when you attempt to have a life of your own and not make Dad No:1.

If you need assistance, I would suggest booking a session to determine whether NPD (or other co-morbidities) are present, and if so, you will then have a platform to start changing your life into one where you feel in control, despite the behaviors of your birth family to get you to conform to the family pattern. This can be done! It takes time but it's worth it for the freedom just to say "No".

You can book a session at http://youronlinecounselor.com/Services.htm or alternatively contact me at enquiries@youronlinecounselor.com for further information.

Best wishes,
Beth