So... At this point, I'm completely fed up with NM and her husband's abuse and I'm seriously considering going NC. Am I wrong for going in this direction? ...Probably nobody can answer that, but, me. I just don't see her EVER changing. She has always been the way she is. And with my sister's divorce 10 years ago, it's gotten worse. I dread holidays when they involve her, yet, my husband's family is lovely and our holidays are always relaxed and fun. It's a stark difference between the 2 and I feel very lucky to have my husband and his family in my life. They've truly shown me what a 'real' family is like. I just want to end the angst and anxiety. My NM is the reason for it and has always been. It took me years to overcome some of the garbage that had been piled on me after growing up under her thumb. I'm afraid if things keep going the way they are and I maintain contact, I'll end up like her. That's the LAST thing I want. Anyone have any words of advice? Should I seek out a therapist to help me with this?
I agree it's a huge decision to go no contact with your mother. I have written some articles on this topic if you haven't already read them. These will explain the pros and cons and the process of going no contact. You can find them by clicking on the main website link above.
I think that it's wonderful that you went with your sister to support her on her son's graduation day. The problem with having a NM is that if you disobey you will be punished. You MUST toe the line or else. It's one of the rare instances where blood is not thicker than water, and you can see how your sister has been treated by your mother -- even to the extent of your mother taking her son-in-law's side just to spite her own errant daughter, who she can't control.
Your mother will never change. You can't change her either. If you do decide to go no contact, you know you will be flamed by your mother and you must prepare yourself for that. Alternatively, you can learn to set firmer boundaries with your mother if it is too difficult to actually go no contact. You will need to consider aspects such as: What will happen if my mother becomes very ill? Will I go see her if I'm no contact? This is just one example among many, including how any of your children may be treated by their grandmother. It's quite a dysfunctional web, as you have commented and you are lucky to have a husband with a "normal" family which you can contrast behaviors between.
Going "no contact" is right for some people and not for others. This too, is discussed in the articles mentioned above. If you need extra help in making your decision feel free to contact me.
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