At the end of my rope

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KristenCook2
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At the end of my rope

Post by KristenCook2 » Mon Jun 11, 2018 11:38 pm

A little backstory: My Dad has always been very judgmental & emotionally abusive to my siblings, Mom, and I. Although we lived in the same house I had no relationship with him until my Mom suddenly died when I was 16 and was forced to assume care for my 8- year - old sister per my Dad's instruction that this was my "responsibility" now. I essentially gave all of my remaining teen years & most of my 20's to caring for my sister & various other household duties for my Dad, of course hearing constantly that how I lived my life was wrong, didn't live up to others, etc. I eventually married, started a business, and moved on with my life although I did allow my Dad to stay in my life as he was my only living parent and I felt I owed him that much.

Fast forward and my Dad is now in his 70's. He has type 2 diabetes but refuses to eat right or monitor his sugar levels which has resulted in a minor stroke and he's also in remission from leukemia. He very much wants to live with either my sister or myself but we're both adamant that this is not a possibility. At this point he requires much more care than either of us are able to or feel comfortable providing. He currently lives with our brother who is an addict and their relationship is toxic and codependent. Our brother doesn't want to discuss making plans for Dad because then brother will be on the street as Dad pays all the bills for their home. Dad refuses to make any plans for any kind of assisted living as he's certain he can wear my sister or myself down and allow him to live with one of us. Every interaction with him is full of manipulation and what I've begun calling "terrorist tactics" where he either demands I do things for him or simply asks the same things over and over again. I'm having a hard time setting boundaries and not giving into the constant guilt trips. At the same time, I've already given enough of my life to this man and I'm not willing to give up anymore of my life because he refuses to handle his.

Does anyone have any insight or advice for my situation? I've looked for a local support group but so far have been unsuccessful. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and battered.

Beth McHugh
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Joined: Tue May 26, 2009 9:47 am

Re: At the end of my rope

Post by Beth McHugh » Mon Oct 15, 2018 10:35 am

KristenCook2 wrote:
Mon Jun 11, 2018 11:38 pm
A little backstory: My Dad has always been very judgmental & emotionally abusive to my siblings, Mom, and I. Although we lived in the same house I had no relationship with him until my Mom suddenly died when I was 16 and was forced to assume care for my 8- year - old sister per my Dad's instruction that this was my "responsibility" now. I essentially gave all of my remaining teen years & most of my 20's to caring for my sister & various other household duties for my Dad, of course hearing constantly that how I lived my life was wrong, didn't live up to others, etc. I eventually married, started a business, and moved on with my life although I did allow my Dad to stay in my life as he was my only living parent and I felt I owed him that much.

Fast forward and my Dad is now in his 70's. He has type 2 diabetes but refuses to eat right or monitor his sugar levels which has resulted in a minor stroke and he's also in remission from leukemia. He very much wants to live with either my sister or myself but we're both adamant that this is not a possibility. At this point he requires much more care than either of us are able to or feel comfortable providing. He currently lives with our brother who is an addict and their relationship is toxic and codependent. Our brother doesn't want to discuss making plans for Dad because then brother will be on the street as Dad pays all the bills for their home. Dad refuses to make any plans for any kind of assisted living as he's certain he can wear my sister or myself down and allow him to live with one of us. Every interaction with him is full of manipulation and what I've begun calling "terrorist tactics" where he either demands I do things for him or simply asks the same things over and over again. I'm having a hard time setting boundaries and not giving into the constant guilt trips. At the same time, I've already given enough of my life to this man and I'm not willing to give up anymore of my life because he refuses to handle his.

Does anyone have any insight or advice for my situation? I've looked for a local support group but so far have been unsuccessful. I'm feeling very overwhelmed and battered.
Hi Kristen,
This is a difficult situation and possibly explains why no-one has replied.
I hope you are still holding firm against your father's manipulations. You have given up many years of your life that you will never get back and your father is not using services that are available to him. Your brother has his own problems which he is not addressing and his own agenda in keeping the status quo.
If you would like professional help in learning boundaries and maintaining them please contact me on http://www.youronlinecounselor.com/index.htm
It's important to set firm boundaries, but also to prepare yourself for your father's passing and let him be able to leave without you feeling any guilt. Narcissists excel at implanting guilt and you don't want to feel that any of his words stick. You want to feel that you have done the right thing and have no regrets. You also need to shed the sorrow of having a father like this who thinks little of others and promotes his own cause before all others. So there is a fair bit of emotional work to do, as is the case for all adult children of narcissists.

If you haven't already read my articles on narcissism, please do so. If you need extra help in dealing with your father and undoing the habits of a lifetime (which can be done!), you can book a session through the above address.
I wish you well in this hugely difficult, but resolvable, situation.

Best wishes,
Beth
ImageBeth McHugh
B.Sc (Hons). B.Psych. Dip.Sc.
Principal, Your Online Counselor

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