Literally just realised that my Dad has NPD!

[JB74]

Yesterday I read the articles on NPD and it was like a light bulb lighting up in my head! For years and year my Mum, my sisters and myself have tried to understand the behaviour of our dad and her husband. He started cheating on her very soon after they married, very openly. He didn't bother coming to see me when I was born until I was over 2 weeks old and told me about this years later. He then didn't understand why I was so hurt! His affair continued on for over 10 years, he took us to his mistress house all the time. His family accepted his behaviour, he was always the golden boy and the son who could do no wrong. He treated my Mum with contempt all the time and the same look of disgust and distain is now all over his face when he speaks to his children. He has had countless affairs which he denies even though we have visible proof and used to see his car parked outside a neighbours house, which he denies. He left Mum and refused to financially contribute to our basic needs of having a roof over our heads and food to eat, stating that he would rather leave his job and go on benefits than contribute. He left us for a woman barely older than his eldest daughter and had a child with her that his family hid from us for a few years. Mum knew but didn't want to hurt us. At this time also my boyfriend of 3 years, who I had also know all my life died in an accident. My Dad at this point had moved to Germany away from us and would not come home for the funeral or give me any support, stating that "he was no good with death". Neither was I but my feelings were ignored by him. All he talks about is himself, his achievements, how great everyone thinks he is. If he does call it is an hour long conversation about himself, he doesn't ask anything about your life or how you are. If you do manage to squeeze in a word he immediatley turns the conversation back to himself. No matter what we do he is not happy, he always asks what we are going to do with our lives even though we are in work and happy in our jobs and well thought of by our colleges and bosses. The thing is I know if I was rich or in a profession he deemed as worthy then he would be in contact and visiting all the time. I am happier when he is not in contact and not around, we all tense up at the mention of him visiting. He tells everyone how much he loves "his girls" but when he is with us he acts like he would rather be anywhere else. He has told them all a pack of lies, that he supported us, that my Mum was unstable ect. The thing is, now that I know that he has NPD what do I do about it?

[Beth McHugh]

Hi JB, thanks for contributing your story. Now that you know what your father suffers from you can use that as a tool to understand why he behaved the way he did and, most importantly, that the problem lies with him and not with you. The way he treats you (and others) is a function of his illness and not a function or your "goodness" or "badness". Many adult children of narcissists, particularly when the narcissist is the mother who is usually the primary caregiver, suffer from low self-worth, and spend their lives trying to please their parent and later their spouse and children, bosses and friends. They can also be filled with rage at the way they have been treated and this can taint other relationships. This is where knowledge about NPD can be the start of a journey back to your true self.

If you feel bad about how you have been treated or are hard on yourself, you can now use this new knowledge to change the way you think about yourself, your father, and even your mother. Learning as much as you can about NPD also helps with the healing process. If you get stuck, there is always counseling to help guide you.


Best wishes,
Beth

[JB74]

Thank you for your reply Beth. The rage against my father has started to subside over the last few years and I am starting to understand that I am a person who has a worthwhile life. It has been hard to get to grips with understanding that I am worthy of love. I think that was one of the hardest things. I used to push people away emotionally and think that if my own father couldn't love me then I must be a person who didn't deserve love. It is a slow road back to trusting people and realising that not everyone is out to hurt me. It took my Mum a long time to have the courage to say enough is enough and even when he was leaving her for this much younger woman he still wanted to know that he could come back if it didn't work out. He has no concept of the impact his words and actions have on other people, either that or just doesn't care. He does have moments where he realises that he threw it all away. He throws himself into his work and spends little time at home. Its as if he can't stop for a minute or his thoughts will over take him. He does seem to feel guilt but still seems to carry on walking the same destructive path. What is the best way now to respond to him when he says hurtful things or acts in a callous way? I feel like I need to have courage to stand up for myself and my family. My Mum and youngest sister already do this and pull him up on things he has said. He doesn't like it very much! How do you stop someone like this trying to crush you without crushing them? Many thanks

[mangyhyena]

"The thing is I know if I was rich or in a profession he deemed as worthy then he would be in contact and visiting all the time."

JB74, are you sure about that? I ask because my father is NPD as well and I've come to realize that I can do absolutely no right in his view. If I don't live up to his expectations then I'm a failure, an embarrassment. However, when I do succeed he either ignores or diminishes my accomplishments or worse, he gets angry and attacks, furious that I would dare to accomplish something he had no control over. For him to succeed I've got to fail. For him to be smart I must be stupid. For him to be competent I must be incompetent. Ect... Same old NPD song and dance.

Perhaps you would earn his anger rather than his admiration.

I can't give any advice as to how to deal with your dad as my head isn't yet screwed on straight, either, about having a parent with NPD; a parent absolutely incapable of loving anyone other than himself.

Good luck in your dealings with him and try to keep in mind that none of his actions or behaviors were in any way your fault.

[Beth McHugh]

Hi JB, it's great that you are starting to lose some of the rage against your father, although it important to keep his actions in perspective at this point of your recovery. Have you read my article on the father's role when the mother is a narcissist? You will find it in the list of all the articles on narcissism. In your case you will have to reverse the title roles, but it will give you some idea of the subtle, and sometimes not so subtle. interaction between the NPD parent and the non-NPD parent. As your mother seems to have a handle of dealing with your father, then you have an example in front of you as a means of hope that you, too, can be less hurt by this man. You are worthy of his love, not his ridicule. But he will not change, only you can. You must learn better ways to deal with his comments, you need to challenge the validity of those comments - firstly in your own mind and then in your actions. While all this can seem daunting, it is possible and change, when it happens, can be relatively quick as you let go of certain false beliefs. Talk to your mother about how you are feeling but if you find you need additional help, do contact me if you feel you would benefit from guided movement through the minefield. Good luck!

Best wishes,
Beth

[Beth McHugh]

Hi Mangyhyena,
Yes, you are correct in saying that you can't please a narcissist. If you fail you will be castigated, if you succeed, you will be cut down. Fortunately, the reasons for this occur in the narcissist's mind, and have little to do with reality. Once you learn the mecahnics of the game, you will be in a position to sit this particular one out.

Best wishes,
Beth

[mangyhyena]

Thank you. I'm signed up for sessions now.
I'm looking forward to working with you.