will not give in too a narcissistic son

[Brenda01lee]

I have an estranged relationship with my 20 year old son who will be 21 in a couple of days. Our last interaction since recently was when he was a month shy of 18 years old. I would say his distance with me began when he was about 16. He met a girl in High School and started attending church I supported his choices even though I am not a church going person but was brought up as a Catholic. Once this transformation happened he began to be very distant, he wouldn't participate in family activities he wouldn't even come home to have dinner with his family. All he wanted to do was go to church and be with his girlfriend who also attended church. She was raised going to church and her parents made it a requirement of her to do so.

I tried to include his girlfriend into the family and would invite her along to dinners and family activities i would plan f just so I can have both my sons, my long term boyfriend (we will make 9 years together this September) and myself. I wanted to have my family together. I feel that my son never liked my boyfriend even though he is a good man that helped me provide for him up until he left home. He became hostile and so disrespectful to me he didn't even invite me to his high school graduation after i paid for all his senior dues. He gives me the location and left the tickets an hour before his graduation. He wouldn't tell me Happy Mothers Day he refused to attend my birthday dinners he even refused to go on family vacation with us, he didn't even wish me or the rest of the family a safe flight.

I really didn't understand why this change was taking place! We were so close at one point. I even discovered he was purchasing appliances and china and storing it in his closet. when i approached him about the appliances he just said not to look through his stuff. He wasn't a bad kid i thought since he was graduating on time he was employed part time and attended church with his free time. The more i gave him support the more he became hostile disrespectful and showed no regards to my feelings. I tried talking to him numerous times and got nothing, no insight, nothing! He started disrespecting me so much that my boyfriend would get involved and ask my son to respect and apologize but all that did was create further friction between them.

I guess my anger and frustration started to stir up in me and after incident after incident i gave him an ultimatum that he must comply with the rules of my house or he can get out! A decision I regret, since i was just trying to teach my son a lesson and stand up as a parent. He decided he was leaving and ended up going to his aunts home (my evil sister) who wasn't speaking to me at the time so she decided that taking him in instead of trying to be a mediator in the situation was the best thing she could do to really hurt me. she showed up in my doorstep with my son to pick up his belongs including all the clothes, shoes, i pods etc that my boyfriend and I purchased and stated i was a terrible mother for putting him out of the house. this created a big altercation and things were said mean things that I am also guilty of. I didn't want my son out I just wanted order in my household.

My son would not speak to me wouldn't return any of my emails i even bumped into him in the street a couple of months after the incident calling his name chasing him and he just ignored me and kept walking. he wouldn't even reach out to his kid brother who would cry and miss him. He wouldn't even call to wish his brother a happy birthday or mail him a post card i mean nothing. Recently about a month and a half ago i attended a sweet 16 and to my surprise my son was hired as a photographer. I was happy to see that since I had my son attend a program since he was 13 in the Bronx River Art Center when he then was offered a job opportunity at 14. I was surprised that he came up to me and said hello and attempted to give me a hand shake of course I just grabbed him and hugged him tight for as long as I could. I asked him for his number but he said I already gave it to my kid brother you can get it from him. I thought that was somewhat vague but figured it was a start.

I thought maybe this will all be over soon maybe I can have my son back..I sent him a friends request on Facebook only to get blocked and this was after we interacted after 3 years of estrangement. but our issues are far from over as he addresses me by my first name when i called him and said i have lost the privilege of being a mother since i put him out! I am so hurt by this, not only does he strip me of my title as a mother but is making seem like I am the only one that is wrong here no sense of accountability for his actions what so ever.

I emailed him and let him know how hurt i was by his continued display of disrespect and that I am willing to apologize to him if need be but will do it when i am acknowledged as a mother and nothing less. he wrote back to me and told me he wishes me many great years and to take care of myself. I am almost sure his attitude towards me is a cause of narcissism as he is disregarding my feelings and is willing to continue the estrangement because he refuses to call me mom.

I for one am broken hearten but will not give into a narcissistic attitude just to have a relationship with him. If I do the relationship will be a one way street which will add no value to my life just continued disrespect and disappointment. I lost my mother to cancer when i was only 17 years old and till this day i still cry and miss my mother dearly and yes we fought and yes we disagreed and yes she also put me out to put her foot down but i would've never taken my mothers title away and call her by her first name. I feel its an insult and no caring mother that has provided for their children and devoted there time and hearts to them be treated in this way.

I love my son and I really do hope he has a change of heart and realizes that life is too short for grudges and that having a relationship with a loving mother is a blessing and should be cherished. I receive no support from family as no one has mediated and tried to get us to reconcile. I also feel that the lack of support I have received from everyone is playing a factor in my sons attitude towards me. for anyone else out there that is going through this heartbreaking situation I say.. if it was meant to be, it will be, we have to stop beating ourselves up by this and stand strong! We are the parents we are the ones that brought them into this world! nurtured them, cared for them, loved them.

I will not make any further attempts for reconciliation at this point and feel i should just stop contact all together. Since I have left the ball in his court it will be up to him to decide if he would like to reconcile And if he ever does I will be here to hear him out and put an end to the estrangement.

If a human being cannot find it in their hearts to love and respect their parents then they are the ones that are undeserving of love and will never find true happiness in life. There's a quote that states "A child who is allowed to be disrespectful to his parents will not have true respect for anyone" That's why I am standing by my guns and will not lose my dignity over someone who devalues me! So for all you children who do not honor your mother and father, all I have to say is may you be forgiven on judgement day!

Thank you for reading <3

[Wildflower7]

I am so sorry to learn of your situation with your son and can relate on a number of levels. It is extremely painful when our children who we have loved and nurtured for so many years start to act in ways that are disrespectful and show no willingness to relate in any positive manner.

I have been estranged from my own daughter who left home at around 19 years of age. Her father is a narcissist and there will be issues to do with the way he related with her as she was growing up. Like your son, she has never shown any gratitude or willingness to relate and is now living in another state. I could also relate to the situation with your sister. In my case it is my mother who took in my daughter and like your sister, my mother has shown no empathy or understanding or tried to assist with reconciliation. It is very painful and I can relate to your pain and wish for you that it could be different.

I have got to the point now where I value me and have set clear boundaries around what I will and will not accept with my daughter. Mother's Day this year was a watershed moment for me. My daughter rarely contacts me and on my birthday last year, she contacted me at 11:30 p.m. to wish me a happy birthday. She would not have done that with her husband! On Mother's Day I am fortunate to receive a brief text and on most of the last 10 years, I have received no acknowledgement of Mother's Day. I accept that this is how she is. I sent her a lengthy email telling her about why I am hurt and now disengaging from her and letting her know that I am open to healing this relationship when she is ready and also prepared to work with a therapist with her so that we can get the relationship back on track when she is ready. I am leaving it at that. A one-sided relationship is not a relationship at all. I have had no response from her but am staying on my side of the fence.

What I do know and understand is that we can do nothing about another person, only ourselves. You are fortunate to have a good relationship with your other son and to have a loving man who is supportive. Those are lovely things to have in your life and you deserve to have a good life. You are treating yourself with respect and care and that is a boundary also with your son, since you are letting him know that you will not tolerate disrespectful behaviour. He may or may not come back and relate any time soon. I have no answers in that regard and it is about 10 years now since I have been estranged from my daughter with no sign of her coming back or letting me know what the problem is and I cannot read her mind.

I feel for you and suggest that you continue with creating your life in ways that are positive and self-caring. I cared for my daughter well as she was growing up. She was not spoilt but was loved and cared for, had boundaries and was seen and heard and allowed to express herself. I could do nothing about her father and he has damaged her in ways that only she knows internally. I had no control over him or the access visits since they were ordered by the court. I will not take the blame for what I did not do. I hope that one day, your son will mature. He is still very young and has a way to go since you mentioned that he is only 20 and boys tend to mature later than girls.

Stay strong and keep your boundaries and if he wants to interact with you, then he must be respectful. If he does not speak and act respectfully with you, then there needs to be a consequence. I am not sure if you have heard of Modified Contact, but that is where you have limited contact with a person who is behaving inappropriately. The only interactions that occur are ones where they are respectful and for matters that impact on both parties. I am having Modified Contact with my daughter and when she makes contact, I relate only with what she does and says. For instance, it was her birthday earlier in November. I had written to her in May and heard nothing from her. She would be aware that I am no longer relating in a one-sided manner. I did not text her to wish her a happy birthday and did not send a card or present this year. It is the first time I have not done so since she left. Every other year I have. She did send a text msg for my birthday saying 'Happy birthday Mum. I hope you have a nice day.' Signed her name and xo. I responded. 'Thanks ... I have had a lovely day. Mum' I am not going to send kisses and hugs and I am also not going to communicate more than necessary. When she shares more, then so shall I. If this relationship is going to be any kind of relationship, then it will need to be more reciprocal. That is how it will be until the dynamic changes. Perhaps this might be useful also for you.