GRATEFUL FOR THIS FORUM

[LorrieV]

Hello

I just wanted to say I am grateful for this forum to be able to tell our stories and not be judged and to receive encouragement and empathy. The pain that goes with the estrangement from my two daughters is worse than any pain I've been through and I've been through a few things...but this pain...its like this huge hole that has opened inside of me that its difficult to climb out of and its there all the time; sometimes I can put a little distance and focus on other things for a bit but that pain and emptiness is always waiting.

I will tell my story at some point when I can be more clear in what I write but I just wanted to say 'thank you' for being here and for this forum.

[MomK]

Just joined. It's tough out there when our kids, the ones we bore, nurtured and fostered hopes for no longer seem to value us as their mothers, their elders. I never thought I'd be in this situation with one of my kids, let alone both. It's baffling. It's hurtful. I have a full life without them, but there's always that something missing...I do believe that, in part, it's a societal shift at work. My kids both have built a happy life for themselves that is far different than what they grew up with. And if I don't "behave" according to that script, I'm outta there. They are in control and it is not in any way a win/win relationship. And I don't always "behave". Odd to be put in that position by one's children. It's an exercise in letting go. Sometimes day-by-day. Sometimes a minute at a time. I'm hoping to find comfort and encouragement here and blame myself less as time goes on. And not feel so alone in this situation.

[Whitebread1]

I have found this forum I'm hoping I will be able to say what I feel. Like most mothers I have spent my life making my children the centre of my life. I've not been selfish and I always with my husband put their needs before ours. Giving them everything we could by both of us working so hard. I now find myself with my elder daughter in a very difficult situation and a painful one. The relationship has not always been an easy one it's always been on her terms she was nice enough and pleasant enough when it was like that... then 5 years ago she got married. We did not particularly like the guy. But for her sake welcomed him into our home and made him part of our family. Then about two years ago she had a miscarriage only at 5 weeks. Since then she has turned nasty. She's accused us of not being there. She then decided to move but only told us when she exchanged contracts when I said oh u kept that quite she decided to lash out at me saying it was none of our business. Anyway we carried on without saying anything and she moved 130 miles from us. We did not see much of her but she phoned constantly and I had to be careful as to what I would say. This was because she always use to say I make it all about myself yet I called her all the time to make sure she was ok. At that time I noticed a big shift in her husband's behaviour he started to be rude to us but would do it when she was not there. Then last year she announced she was pregnant we were over the moon. As it's our first grandchild. But within a few weeks of her being pregnant my younger daughter found out she was pregnant too. This was not planned and she was going to be a single mother. Both my husband and I were really devastated as it's outside of our culture to have single mothers and knew it would be so difficult for her. My older daughter thought she did this deliberately and said she stole her limelight. She never supported her younger sister and shut her out completely. It was a turbulent time my husband fell ill with heart problems. she fell out with her younger sister. We put all our reservations aside and decided we were going to support my younger daughter and asked her to move back home with us. But just before she was going to she lost the baby. it was very sad but in hindsight she now says it was for the best. My older daugter and her sister started to speak again and we all looked forward to welcoming the baby. Then unfortunately due to complications the baby arrived early and I drove everyday 130 miles to see them as I work too. I took a couple weeks of work and stayed to help out. When I went sometimes I would be met with a cold stare or there were horrible comments as to why was I late there was no traffic etc etc. As we were so excited about the baby and we are a big family people wanted to see the baby. She turned awful she would make excuses as to why she could not bring the baby yet they were entertaining and allowing others to see the baby. But she went around the family saying how we did not support her and have not been there for her. She had built alliances with some people in my husbands side who I've never got on with. Every time I or her dad used to speak to her she said we always make it about about us. We cannot say anything without her getting offended. Her dad has been really unwell and she never asks or calls him. Then in October last year she just stopped talking to me I said to her I wanted to sit down and have a conversation with her and her husband as he had called my son and was very rude about me saying I interfere too much. I don'tget involved in their business so not sure what he meant. Since then she has distant herself and when we ask to see her she says she's busy and they are doing stuff. That excluded xmas and new year . She then called me and said was I ready to talk I said yes we arranged four different times each time she cancelled. Then I text her first her birthday and sent her a card and out some money in her account. I received a text message which is terrible .... excusing me of being a bad mother, saying it's always about me how I never let three be peace and how we are never there for her and so much more... I have not responded... she exhausts me and is so district ful to me. I cry because I cannot see the baby and it hurts so much when I see pictures of them from people. I did so much I don't understand where I went wrong with her.

[Alma's daughter]

Just joined. It's tough out there when our kids, the ones we bore, nurtured and fostered hopes for no longer seem to value us as their mothers, their elders. I never thought I'd be in this situation with one of my kids, let alone both. It's baffling. It's hurtful. I have a full life without them, but there's always that something missing...I do believe that, in part, it's a societal shift at work. My kids both have built a happy life for themselves that is far different than what they grew up with. And if I don't "behave" according to that script, I'm outta there. They are in control and it is not in any way a win/win relationship. And I don't always "behave". Odd to be put in that position by one's children. It's an exercise in letting go. Sometimes day-by-day. Sometimes a minute at a time. I'm hoping to find comfort and encouragement here and blame myself less as time goes on. And not feel so alone in this situation.

Dear MomK this thread is old now but I hope you are still hanging around. I want to ask you how long did it take you to get to where you are now? You seem to be in a place of acceptance and have at least some personal peace with it. How did you do it? How long did it take? You said your kids both have built happy lives for themselves. I think if I could know both my adult kids had happy lives that would be the key to me being able to move on too. But they do not have happy lives. Their kids, my grand children do not have happy lives. I swear if I could just know they had happy lives I could let go and be at peace even if they never spoke to me again at least I would know they are all okay.